he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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