if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
