My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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