I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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