I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
