No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
