He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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