And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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