I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
