I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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