I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Send help, water and tortillas.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
