You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
