Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
