I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
