waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
