I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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