Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
