your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
