Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
