Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
