i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
