so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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