do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
