I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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