so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
