Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
