i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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