My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
