I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
