you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
