I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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