I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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