She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
