The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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