i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
