He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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