you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize