Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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