when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
