ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think my moral compass just broke
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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