how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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