Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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