The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
