Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
