Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
