why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
