i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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