I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
