You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
