Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
