he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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