went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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