By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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