Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I need moral support for this bender
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
