and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
