Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
