my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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