Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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