This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
