so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
