Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize