I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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