my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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