Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
