sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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