your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize